You Are Worth Dying For

I have always thought that good wisdom does not come from what you know, but with how many wise people you can surround yourself with. Rob Bell takes an interesting look, in his book SexGod, on how we are all "sexual" beings in the context of connection. He then spins off with the importance of respect for girls, both from a guys perspective, and for the girl respecting herself. This is an excerpt from the chapter, "Worth Dying For". I couldn't have said any of this better myself....








You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.


You are worth dying for.


Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator. 


You will continue to be tempted in a thousand different ways not to believe this. The temptation will be to go searching for your worth and validity from places other than your creator.


Especially from men.


But you don't have to give yourself away to earn a man's love. You're better than that. You're already loved.


When you give too much of yourself away too quickly, when you show too much skin, you're not being true to yourself. When you dress to show us everything, then in some sense we have all shared in it, or at least been exposed to it. There is a mystery to you, infinite depth and endless complexity. 


As the woman says in the Song of Songs, "My own vineyard is mine to give." In the ancient Near East, a vineyard was a euphemism for sexuality. She is saying that she doesn't give herself to just anyone. She is fully in control of herself, and she is not cheap and she is not easy.


Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.


You are worth dying for.


If you're dating someone, what kind of man is he?  Does he demonstrate that he's the kind of man who would die for you?  What is his posture toward the world?  Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served? Does he believe that he's owed something, that he's been shortchanged, that he's gotten the short end of the stick, that life owes him something?  Or is he out to see what he can give?  Does he see himself as being here to make the world a better place?  


These are the big questions that you need to ask yourself.  


Take him to a family reunion.  Do some sort of service project with him.  See how he interacts with people he doesn't like.


Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?  


A friend of mine was engaged to a man, and some of her friends were not excited about them getting married.  As the wedding day approached, one of her friends decided to say something to her.  He said, "When a woman is loved well, she opens up like a flower."


She broke off the engagement soon afterward.  In one brilliant sentence, her friend taught her what agape is and what it isn't.


What does he expect of you?  Does he expect you to sleep with him when he hasn't committed to you forever?  Does he want all of you without his having to give all of him?


Can you tell him anything?  Is he safe?  Can he be trusted?


Can you open up to him, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that he will protect, not exploit, that vulnerability?


Are you opening like a flower?


When you live in your true identity, when you find your worth and value in your creator, when you live "in Christ," in who you really are, you force him to rethink what it means to be a man.  


Perhaps this is why the text talks about the man dying for the woman.  This can be terrifying for a man.  Committing to a woman for life is going to demand courage, fidelity, and strength he may not know he has.  This is why some men take such pride in their sexual conquests.  They're desperately running from their fear that they don't have what it takes to lay down their lives for a woman.  Sleeping with lots of women gives them the feeling of being a man without actually having to be one.


I was in London last year, riding the subway, and it was crammed with people.  There was a group of kids, probably fifteen or sixteen years old, standing in the middle of the train.  They were paired off-I think there were three couples.  Or perhaps they were starting a local chapter of the happy hands club.  They were all over each other.  The couples, that is.


One of the girls in particular was fascinating to watch.  It was clear that she loved being loved.  Or whatever you would call teenage obsession.  Her boyfriend was full-on groping her in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon in public, and it was clear to the rest of us on the subway that she was thoroughly enjoying it.  


What was intriguing was the look on her face.  She was so happy.  And the happiness was obviously directly tied to her boyfriend. 


What drives a girl to give herself to a boy at such a young age?  What does she believe about herself?  About him?  About sex?  About her worth?  


What if she said to her boyfriend, "I'm interested in your character, your integrity, your honor-I want to find out what you're made of.  Are you brave?  Are you courageous?  Would you fight for me?"


What if she said, "I'm not going to sleep with you anymore because I want to know what, exactly, our relationship is based on"?


What if subway girl demanded that before she gave herself to subway boy, he had to prove that he was the kind of man who would lay down his life for her?


Would subway boy still want to be with subway girl?


Because she's worth dying for.

"You girls are worth dying for",
Tommy

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart

Wow, it is hard to believe that thanksgiving is right around the corner-this year has gone by so quick! 

In light of thanksgiving, i figured it would probably be fitting to talk about being thankful. Original right?

Ok, lets start out with all you single ladies out there (all the single ladies....thank you Beyonce!). We are getting into a season that i like to refer to as the "snuggle season". It seems that the closer you get to Christmas time, romance seems to fill the air and there is no escape. It is like you are trapped in a hole of loneliness and despair and you actually start to believe that you will be alone for the rest of your lives!!!! 

Ok maybe that is a bit overboard, if it isn't, take a big breath! Take this time to be thankful to God for what he has been able to do in your life without a man getting in the way. There is probably a pretty good reason why you are still single-God wants you there. So instead of worrying about something and running out to date the first thing you see with legs, think of it this way. God wants to work something in your life that will prepare you for your Prince Charming, but you have to go through this time in order to be ready for him when he comes along. So give thanks, God is working in you and good things are coming!

For those of you that have someone- never take them for granted. That guy is a gift to you, one that is truly priceless. I think God will work on a single lady (if you like it than you should have put a ring on it)  just as much as he will through the guy in your life. So take time to thank God that you have someone there that cares for you and supports you. It really is a blessing that you can't look past. Also, don't be afraid to tell the guy that you are thankful for what he has done in your life! This is a great excuse to encourage one another on the great things they are doing and a great time to recognize just how lucky we really are.

On the topic of the person being a gift remember this as well. Whatever happens in this coming year, start off now by saying you are going to be thankful. I think often times people that are dating get in this mindset that they somehow deserve the other person. I have to remind myself that the time i get to spend with the girl i like is a complete gift and if God came to me tomorrow and said, "Tommy, you cannot pursue her anymore" I would still have to say, "Thank you God for the time i did have with her". I think when we get to this point in our minds, we can truly appreciate the other person.

I think this appreciation will invade our hearts and our relationships with one another. 

I believe it will make them better!

So this fall, as the turkey is being cut and the potatoes are being mashed, don't forget how blessed you are!

So thankful for her (and turkey),

Tommy

We Can Do It...

This is a call to action ladies- a call to be above reproach.

Recently I have noticed that guys are getting away with a whole lot and I am going to blame you for it. Before you get your pantyhose in a knot and plot some devious way to help me lose my "manhood," let me explain myself. The guys are to be blamed too, let's be honest: it is them who are pushing it. But at the same time, if you are not a part of the solution, you are definitely part of the problem.

Also, before you read the rest of this blog, you need to decide what side you are on. Some girls would say that whatever attention they can get, is good attention. If this is the case, you can stop reading now and go on with painting your nails and and planning every detail of your wedding (isn't that what you girls do?). But, if you demand respect and want less problems with guys getting the wrong impression, then please read on.

We live in a flirtatious world. I used to think this was the best thing since MacBook laptops (which are pretty amazing).  My friend and I thought there was nothing wrong with pushing the lines with "harmless flirting" and often times we would, and could, do it in the name of "friendliness." Looking back now, I realize just how naive I was in thinking these things.

Flirting is not bad. What is bad is leading however many guys on as you can hoping that one of them will stick. Quantity does not equal quality here. The fact is, no guy wants a really flirty girl. They may be fun to flirt with but when you get into a more serious relationship than just flirt-pals, the guy wants to know that you like him-he really doesn't wanna know, or even think, that you like other guys. So I will tell you, those that flirt now, will flirt later. This is true for both. So you are going to do so much better if you just lay low on the flirting unless it is with that one guy you are pursuing.

On a side note, this is the whole, "Do unto others as you want them to do unto you." Put yourself in the guy's shoes. Would you like him to be joke-pushing other girls around? If not, why are you joke-pushing other guys around? Just something to think about. You don't have to be seclusive and not nice to everyone, but like I said in my earlier blog, you want him like you see him way more different than any other guy.

Now, maybe you aren't a flirt. In fact, you would consider yourself very good about not leading guys on. Thank you! You are the type of girls that us guys want to pursue because we know you will be 100% faithful if we ever dated you! But you aren't off the hook yet. Maybe you don't flirt, but that doesn't mean that you don't allow boys to flirt with you. Now, I know. Attention is pretty dang nice and pretty hard to say no to, especially when you have had a hard day and you swore the light just twinkled off his teeth. However, there are certain guys that are flirts and that will flirt with you at all cost.

Now, often times there isn't a whole lot you can do with a flirty guy. You don't wanna be that girl that is always, "Don't talk to me, don't touch me, don't look at me..." That being said, if you are allowing a guy to cross a line-and I think we all know what those lines are-you are disrespecting yourself, you are encouraging the guy, and you are disrespecting your future spouse. Sounds bad, right? It also is going to look very untrustworthy to the guy you like. How is he supposed to know if you are going to speak up or not every time a guy puts his arm around you? How can he trust that you won't be flirting when he isn't there? And again, this works the opposite way: you know that if you like a guy that seems to flirt a lot, it is hard to trust that when you are not there, he won't be flirting with whomever.

This can, and probably will get awkward. But you need to be willing to say to a guy, "Listen, that really isn't ok for you to be doing, show me some respect." You need to be willing to get up if a guy puts his arm around you. You need to be the one that doesn't push back when a guy pushes you.

Don't be afraid to ask girls to keep you accountable and together you can join Rosie the Riveter in saying, "We Can Do It!"

I know for myself, this is something I need to work on. Though I don't feel like I am flirtatious, it is only fair that I don't be too friendly, and honestly I need to be willing to take the high road. Though it may seem "no fun" at times, I need to be above reproach so that it doesn't look like I am flirting and also so I don't lead any girls on. This means even if it seems like a girl is flirting, I need to step back and not return the favor. Hopefully, I can honor my future wife along with any girls that flirt with me.

Looking for my own Rosie the Riveter,

Tommy

Pushing You Forward

On an earlier post, I mentioned that a list would be a great idea to get a man who is going to fit you. I want to hit on one thing that should be on your "Needs" list, but should also be on your guys' list too.

You should challenge and be challenged to grow in your relationship with God. I would argue that this is going to be one of the most important items on your list. Here is the problem: the fact that they are Christian just isn't good enough. If I go and find a girl tomorrow that met Jesus today, there is a possibility that she isn't going to challenge me in my walk with God. Now, in that same breath, I could meet a pleasant Christian girl who has been Christian her whole life, and she could have no way of challenging me. So instead of just simply having, "Needs to be a Christian" on your list, you should put, "Needs to be a growing, active Christian that pushes me forward in my walk."

Let's face it, if we find an amazing other (which i think is what we all would like!) and we have a great relationship with them, but loose ground with our relationship with God, everything else is a loss. 

This truly goes back to the list- you gotta make the guy fit the list, not the list fit the guy, because if God isn't the center of the relationship, it is going to be miserable. Instead, there should be a mutual respect in saying, "God, whatever you have for me is best! Though I like this guy, I know you have someone who is a better fit for me out there and I will wait for him.” This could possibly be one of the hardest prayers you have to pray this year but if we zoom out a little and look at the big picture, do you really want a guy that isn't going to encourage your walk with God?

That being said, let's dive into the mind of a guy. Whether a Christian guy admits it or not, he wants you to challenge him, but especially in the area of faith. One of my favorite quotes when it comes to relationships is: "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her." Dang, that is some deep stuff! So you have to be lost in God (which will definitely challenge the guy, if you are showing him up), and he has to be seeking God in such a way that your two worlds collide with God in the center. This will give you a much healthier relationship than one based on you just listening to your heart and leaving God out. 

Now, besides reading the Bible with him, or discussing theological depths of His word, make sure that you two challenge each other in everyday life. By doing this, you will build each other up and if anything, you two will grow in Him, which is ultimately the point of a relationship. (Maybe that is a different way to look at it but why do you think God created women? Just for funsies? I think not...).

Looking to Him for her!

Tommy

Get Real...

At the beginning of High School I decided that girls got in the way of everything. I am still debating this topic today :) With this discussion I decided my best course of action would be to not like any girls. I went about a month of really just seeing all girls as friends, but I found that quickly changed. A girl caught my eye. Now, when this happened, instead of just saying "Yes I do like her, let me just be careful" I decided to say "I don't like her, I don't like her, I don't like her...." like a crazy person. The reason for me not wanting to like her was honorary, but I don't know about you; I have no control of who I like. I like to think I do, but I really don't. (If you know how to, please come see me, I have a handsome check for you!) 

My point of this is how often are we not real? 

I could spend the rest of my life saying, "I don't like her", but this is not I being honest, I am just lying to myself. Let's just agree that is not ok. I think we often find ourselves thinking that if we lie to ourselves, that somehow makes it truth. Instead, I should have said, "I like her, but what can I do about it in order to do what is right". 

I was once taught that you should always focus on that which you can change, and not focus on that which you can't change. You can't change who you are attracted to. You can change what you do about it. This is important to focus on.

Now, in a more realistic state- you need to be willing to talk in a very real manner with that cute guy. Not that you should talk about every thought that enters your mind, but if there is something big, and you know it is going to be awkward, don't dodge it. You need to be willing to buck up and talk to the person. 

A basis for a great relationship is open communication. How often are there issues between couples because there is some sort of miscommunication? So it is going to be very important that you two talk out important subjects in order to make sure both of you are on the same page. This will also make your relationship stronger because you are open with each other and fewer subjects are taboo. 

By using discernment of what to bring up, making sure you don't make mountains out of mole hills, yet not doing the opposite, and being willing and open to be real with one another, I believe you are going to find that there will be a new found respect for each other as well as just a better feeling of how you relate to your man.

"Honesty does not always bring a response of love, but it is absolutely essential to it." -Ray Blanton,

Tommy

Calling All Questions

I mentioned in my first post that I would love for everyone to ask some questions... 

I am asking again. 

If you have any burning questions, or topics that you would like to hear my take on, just leave a comment or email clapperman@gmail.com I will do my best to get an answer to you.

I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I enjoy writing them!

Seems like a good day to answer a question,

Tommy


P.S. There is a new blog every monday and thursday! :)

Modest is Hottest

Attention Girls: Your upper thighs are unappreciated, your cleavage can find a cave and hide in it, and we already know that your midriff exists, you don't have to show us.

Let's be honest, clothes prices are getting higher along with where your shorts sit on your legs. And as they cost more, there is way less material. This is a problem.  A BIG one.

Now, I know that you look super cute in that shirt, and the shorts just go along with the "summer look". I also know that when you wear it, you get attention. Guys naturally are giving you second glances, girls are telling you how great you look, and our society gives you a standing ovation for showing more skin than the girl next to you.

But before you get that second glance from that guy, think about what he is actually saying: "Hey, I really like you....r legs. Not you, just your hott body." Now, for some, that feels great, it's a compliment after all. But let's take it from a bigger perspective for a second.

Let's talk about your future husband. Let's say you got to peek into his world and watch a video of what he is doing for one day. Let's say he is walking down the street, turns, checks some chick out, and then you can hear his thoughts as he says "Dang, I'd wanna hit that!" Hopefully you would be disgusted because he isn't even saving his thoughts for you. He is just taking in all he can get.

Now let's flip this around. Girls have often said, "Oh, guys are such pigs, all they think about is sex." Why do you think that is? Is it because everything you wear is screaming, "Respect me as a human" or is it saying, "Don't look me in the eyes...look everywhere else!"Let's face it, guys can be really gross, but more than not, girls have some say in how much a guy is getting tempted.

Again, I want to emphasize that it is not completely the girl's fault; we know that guys have a long way to go to be pure, yet it is important to recognize that cuteness is not the only factor that should determine what you wear.

This being said, here is the truth. At least for my friends and I, sweatpants are attractive. Long basketball shorts are attractive. And we are not just saying that. There is something about a girl respecting herself and the guys around her that make her that much more attractive. There is an attention grabber to a girl that doesn't play the "What Percentage of My Body Can You See" game.

(Plus, in all honesty, long shorts and sweats really are hott!)

So please, this is a guy honestly asking, will you please just put some more clothes on. I promise you will still find a guy, and odds are, he is going to be better than the one that is currently staring you down.

You gotta start by lovin her personality before you get to lovin her body,
Tommy

Miss Mysterious

I was recently asked by one of our readers about the "mystery of women." So I will do my best to respond, but understand that part of the answer is in the title-it's just a mystery.


Girls are a mystery to guys. Some girls try hard to keep a guy guessing, but the truth is, you will probably keep him guessing no matter what...Yes, if you want, you can make it easier on the guy, but overall, there will always be some sort of guessing game between the two of you. That is just human. 


Now, like always, this is a balancing act. It isn't bad to keep the guy on the edge of his seat, but if you keep him there too long, his backside will get tired and he will move to somewhere (or someone) else. It is important to find the happy medium and try not to overdo anything. 


On the side of letting the guy know, you may be one of those girls who likes to lay it all out on the table. That is totally fine. You are a girl that doesn't play around; you know what you want and you go for it. This will keep the guy on the same page all the time and probably make things very comfortable. Ways of doing this are making it obvious that you like him, such as sitting next to him when there are other open seats, sending him notes that say, "I like you, if you like me, circle one.   YES    no." If the guy likes you back, and he is a guy that likes to know, this is golden for you. 


This being said, there is always a little, if not more, "Indiana Jones" in every guy. We guys tend to love adventure, especially if it involves a beautiful woman. This adventure can come from a little mysterious flirting that keeps the guy guessing for a bit.


Now, I have to make a confession, I am in love with a gal. Her name is Rachelle and I don't tell many about her because it is kinda embarrassing. She is actually from Ted Dekker's books: the Black, White, and Red trilogy. Yes, I have a huge book crush, but I think you will understand why. 


After the main character, Thomas (I know, fits perfectly, right?) meets Rachelle, she is at her house and she sees him across the room. As she begins to walk towards him, suddenly time goes in slow-mo. She has one of those flowing skirts and you can only imagine the wind blowing her hair back as she gets closer. Then, right as she gets close, she gives him this wink... then immediately turns and walks away. Ohhh, so good! You can only imagine the tension in the room, the mystery of what she is going to do next. Now, I am not suggesting you do this; let's be honest, it is probably on the "I Wanna have Your Babies" side of things. But, in all honesty, holding a mysterious poise towards a guy can make things fun. 


The truth is, the mystery is about flirting, not about building a relationship. Let's view this mystery as more of a tool once you know the guy likes you, or even better, when you two start to date. 


Just remember that many guys don't wanna be bored. We don't mind trying to figure you gals out, especially if it is more a fun thing. But before you go out doing whatever, give this a lot of caution because this can easily get out of hand. 


To leave you with an image, for all you bakers out there: if a relationship is a delicious funfetti cake (my favorite), the non-mystery, real, open talking, should be the cake. This is the majority of the relationship. Then you can add some flirting frosting to the top to make the cake just that much better.


I don't mind a little frosting on the cake,
Tommy

Pursuing with Purpose

This could have easily been the first blog I posted because it is so important. At the same time, it is always nice to have a reminder about the core of dating and all that jazz, so here are some things to keep in mind before jumping into the deep end.

Know what you want: Besides him being tall, dark, and handsome (how did I manage to only get one of those?), what more are you looking for in a guy? Does it matter if he is a Christian? Does it matter if he has a nice singing voice? Does it matter if he is a serial killer? All of these are important things to weigh as you spend time with your man. But let's be honest, it is pretty easy to get caught up in his eyes and say "oh, anything is ok with me", when he shoots you that charming smile. The best way to be level-headed, while still being able to enjoy being in the moment, is a list. Oh the power of a list! 

Go get the key to your journal and jot down some notes. I have found that the best thing to do is to pray about it first, and seek what you really need in a guy. These are the things that are absolutely unchangeable. This would be things like "has a heart that is completely in love with God and is still growing", or "respects his sisters and mother, so he will respect me". The most important part of this is never ever settle.  The moment you begin to settle, you are cutting yourself short. You want to base the guy off the list, not the other way around.

Along with the "Needs" section, you will also want to put a "Wants" section. This is going to be things that aren't necessary, but that you find attractive, or you want. These can be things like: "green eyes", "no divorce in the family", "has a pet turtle", "writes an advice blog for girls" (if this is your list, come see me!). No matter what they may be, put as much down as you can on the list; this way, you don't get caught up in infatuation and end up settling for less when, in reality, there is someone that fits your list perfectly. 

In both of these list be sure to include:

-Religion: They should be Christian-2 Corinthians 6:14

-Characteristics: how they interact with the world (sense of humor, low maintenance)

-Kids: If you want kids, find someone who wants the same

-The Line: You are going need to decide now where the line is going to be physically

So go ahead, take 10 minutes to put down what is most important to you, I will still be here when you get back!

Told you I would be here! Alright, now here is the hard part (don't hate me for it): you need to think of that one particular boy you’re checking out and then compare him up against the "Needs" list. Remember, the list is meant to make the right guy for you, the guy is not there to make the list. So honestly take a look as see whether you like him because he holds all of those great attributes you are looking for, or if you are just caught up in the fact that he is paying attention to you. You may not find what you want to find at that very moment, but it is well worth the wait to find someone that really fits with you. 

Remember, there are some 6,700,000,000 in the world, so there is bound to be a person who fits everything on your list. 

On a final note, remember that your list can change (and probably will). Here is the secret, be more cautious of taking things off your "Needs" list then adding. Most of the time you are going to try to compromise because the boy you like is " totally super cool,” but this is not a time for compromising. Stay strong, and find a guy that you will really want to spend the rest of your life with.

Needs: Not a serial killer,

Tommy

Ring by spring...well at some point

You have decided to take Jesus' advice and become a "fisher of a man", you have let the bait out and now you are ready to reel him in. The only problem is, you guys have been hanging out forever and nothing is really happening. You two go on walks, hang out at the pool table, you have even been rock climbing together (so cute....I think I may die!). Yet you are wondering what's up? He hangs out with you, but never really does anything clear about it. You begin thinking the worst-maybe he is a monk.... :/

Don't worry, unless he likes very long periods of silence in a dark dungeon, he is probably just like any other good guy and doesn't want to jump the gun.

Imagine this scenario with me just for a second- Joe and Sally are walking, let's say towards the sign, he turns to Sally and says, "Hey, it has been great hanging out with you, and the truth is, I like you way more than a brother should like his sister."* Then Sally turns towards him and says, "Well, I really just see you as a friend....nothing more....ever....!" You have to imagine how that feels to the guy. You just tore out his heart, slammed it on the ground, stomped on it a couple of times, and then allowed a small moped to run over it. This is one of guys' greatest fears-REJECTION. 

This is the reason most guys aren't going to jump the gun.


Point Number 2: Be patient- let the guy have his time.

Here's the thing, even if you like the guy, and he is almost positive that you like him, there is most likely a little doubt going on in his mind. This is going to directly impact how much time it takes a guy to bring it up. So, like mentioned in the last post, you need to encourage the guy.


All this being said, you need to go back to the last point: be patient. It may take weeks for the guy to gain the courage to tell you. I know, that sounds sad, but then again, I don't often see you girls going out on a limb like this, so cut him some slack. Just keep doing what you're doing: hanging out with him and giving him a cute smile every once in a while, and when he feels ready, he will bring it up.

Now, if you want to speed the process up a bit, there are certain things that you can do to at least help the guy along. For instance, if your future man knows for sure that you wanna have the DTR (Define the Relationship). This could happen by his good friend letting him know, or some other way of slipping it to him. But once again, don't expect that just because you wanna have the talk, he does. Relationships are all about balance, and so thinking that the guy wants exactly what you want at that very moment probably isn't healthy. Just take your time, and enjoy the ride! It's supposed to be fun anyhow!

As the miracle man says, “Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man , you get rotten miracles.”,
Tommy