Not Even A Hint

After that break (which was much needed), I made the choice to only release one post a week. So every Monday a new one will be out there. Thanks to everyone who reads these! Hope you all still enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them!



For some reason, growing up in my household, I guess I became desensitized to a lot of “bad stuff’ on TV. Thinking it is not a big deal since I am clearly not the one doing the stuff, I really shrugged it off whenever it came on. However, over Christmas break, I began to notice just how much crud is on television and the more I watched, the more I realized there are very few shows or movies that do not include some sort of reference, or straight up views of the naughty naughty. 



But it was deeper than just seeing them. I realized that being around that influence makes you begin to think different. For guys, purity is a huge struggle (so be careful even what you joke about to guys).  I think a huge piece of this is what we allow into our minds. If I am watching some guy just grab a girl and kiss her, cause apparently he felt like it, it is easy to begin to think that is real life. (Don’t worry; I am not going to try it anytime soon).



The truth is, we are all affected by what we see on the television, what music we listen to, and so on. Stuff gets in our head and it is hard to get out. So we need to be very direct in what we allow into our minds.

But for you ladies out there, I have a bigger challenge for you. Now, to preface this, I don’t want you to think I am letting up the slack on guys at all, cause I am not. I would, however, love for your girls to expect more from guys (this is your boyfriend, guy friends, random stranger). Ephesians 5:3 says, “Not even a hint of sexual immorality”. What does that look like?



I would say this is one of those that is going to seem extreme, because our culture is so not this way, but is huge to any relationship that you want to be centered on respect. Many guys have a tendency to “take what they can get” and girls, oftentimes you allow guys to get away with stuff that they shouldn’t be getting away with. 



The guy makes a joke.



He pushes physical boundaries.



He…whatever. Fill in the blank.



The fact is, what would happen if girls demanded guys to respect them? (And this goes both ways). I think we would change. If I knew that I couldn’t be around the girl I liked unless I was bringing my A game purity wise, I would strap up and make sure I was treating her great. But if some girl is like, “Oh, any joke you make is funny. I don’t feel comfortable doing that, but I guess if you want to….” It is going to be mighty hard for the guy to stay pure around and with you. 



Finally, girls, the guy should not be making it a struggle for you. If you are in a relationship or you like a guy, whatever you want to call it, and he isn’t showing you respect, demand it or get out. Pursue a guy to whom purity is important because I can guarantee it is going to affect your relationship, marriage, and how he treats other women. It is an important thing and if girls were to demand it, I believe it would become much more important to the guys too. 



Remember: Not even a hint,
Tommy

Once Upon a Time...

I would like to begin this post with a fairytale, I hope you enjoy!

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived a young woman. Now this woman was beautiful beyond anything else in the land. She had the perfect smokin’ body, she was kind and sweet to everyone (especially when we worked at the soup kitchen eight nights a week), and she got an A+ in all of her classes. She was a dream come true. Now, this young woman met a man who was quite charming. He had chiseled abs on his rippling body, he spent his weekends as a volunteer firefighter saving babies out of burning houses, and he too was acing all his classes. When they met, it was love at first sight; so much so, in fact, that the birds actually began singing the theme song from The Notebook! As they laid eyes on each other, they moved closer and had the most passionate kiss (even more so than the last on in princess bride), and they decided they would get married, have perfect kids and live happily ever after.

This is real life, isn't it? A perfect guy meets a perfect girl, and they have a perfect love. I am here to tell you that this story hardly ever happe....actually scratch that, this story never happens. Before you go and call me the "Scrooge of relationships", let me say where i am coming from. 

I think that it would be marvelous if love happened this way; I have always wanted to be in a Disney movie. Yet, the reality is, that is not reality. People don't just meet and fall in love. It is true that you can be very interested in someone the first time you laid eyes him, but that would be considered infatuation. Love has everything to do with continually giving yourself away to that person, so you can't really do that in a split second. I think we hear quite often how easy it is supposed to be to fall in love, yet these are Disney stories and books that just hinder us from understanding what love actually is.

My dad is a genius. He is very good at speaking into people's lives and speaking wisdom into situations. One day I asked him, "How did you know that mom was ‘the one’?" He said, "You know, I could tell you that your mom was the only person out there that could ever make me happy, but I would be lying to you." 

He continued on, 

"There are six billion people in the world today-there is bound to be someone else that fits everything that your mom has." He told me that it wasn't as much about my mother being a perfect fit for him, but had much more to do with him waking up every morning and deciding to love my mom. 

That is love.

Waking up every morning and deciding to love the other person that day. 

This explains why there is so much divorce, this explains why there is so much separation. It is because people expect that somehow post-marriage is some sort of Disney sequel to SnowWhite and as soon as you kiss her on that altar, life will be sweet. People get lazy, people get tired, then people give up. 

My grandparents have been married for over 50 years! Do you think that there was some struggle? Do you think they went through some trials? Sure they did! What kept them together was that they continued to love one another despite conflict. 

All this being said, A Walk to Remember is a wonderful movie (one of my favorites, shhhh, don't tell) but it is not real. I would be very careful when watching those movies to make sure you realize that is a movie. If you don't, and you begin to get these false ideas of what a relationship looks like, you are going to end up in a good relationship, but be unsatisfied because you expected perfection. That is the struggle and the tension that we see in Disney and beyond.

So may you go out and find a guy that isn't the prince charming, but is your prince charming- and may you learn to love by making a choice, not by how you feel that day.

If only I had a white stallion, 

Tommy

A Short Delay....

Due to finals and the business of the season, there will not be a new blog post till next thursday, 12.17.09. Thanks for understanding, I hope that you enjoy these weeks coming up to Christmas! It's the most wonderful time of the year!


Wishing Christmas would come early this year,
Tommy

Define Dating....

One thing i realized, as of late, is how many people view the term "dating" as something different than the person next to them. In fact, all of us throw this word around, yet there is no standard of what the term actually means. So my hope is to standardize the terms here for this blog, just so when I use "dating", "courting", or any other "relationship word" in later posts, you understand what I mean.

Let's start with the beginning:

Strangers: I don't know you. We have a very little chance of starting a relationship unless this changes.

Acquaintances: Your friend introduced us and now I know your name, and though I may be interested because you are kinda cute, I need a bit more.

Friendship: Wow, we actually know more than the other person's name and we hang out. (This is probably the majority of people you know).

Good Friends: We like to hang out and we actually have deep conversations. I know your character and your beliefs.

Out on a Date: This is dating without the commitment. Saying, "You are neato, I just don't know if I will like you even by next week, but let’s try it out and see."

Dating: We both like each other, we hang out exclusively, and we are "trying each other out" to see if the other person fits. This doesn't have to be too serious-you don't have to get married, yet you are still committed that you are not going to go date anyone else. This is a term used so others know that you two are committed to trying it out.

Courting: You have dated, and it seems to be working. In fact, you are headed towards marriage unless something completely huge comes up (Like the fact that he does not like the new Twilight movie). This truly still leaves room if you find someone that is a better fit, to call it off. Yet, you are saying to this person, "I truly see this working for life, I am not ready to get married, but let’s make this a little more serious."

Fiances: He popped the question, you are ecstatic! He said, "Out of all the people in the world, I choose you to spend the rest of my life with. Do you want to?" Apparently you said "yes", and though you are still not absolutely committed, there would have to be some catastrophic event to not get married. As my friend's mom says, "It's not over till there is a wedding ring on the finger.”

Married: Now you are committed, you have crossed your heart so there is no backing out. You two should be madly in love and one in body and spirit. This is what those relationship statuses from "Going on a date" to "fiances" are headed to. Now you can go forth and have many children. ;)

These are just some terms that many people have many different opinions of what they mean. I hope this will help later posts and bring clarity to what I am saying.

"You keep on using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means..."- Princess Bride,

Tommy

You Are Worth Dying For

I have always thought that good wisdom does not come from what you know, but with how many wise people you can surround yourself with. Rob Bell takes an interesting look, in his book SexGod, on how we are all "sexual" beings in the context of connection. He then spins off with the importance of respect for girls, both from a guys perspective, and for the girl respecting herself. This is an excerpt from the chapter, "Worth Dying For". I couldn't have said any of this better myself....








You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.


You are worth dying for.


Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator. 


You will continue to be tempted in a thousand different ways not to believe this. The temptation will be to go searching for your worth and validity from places other than your creator.


Especially from men.


But you don't have to give yourself away to earn a man's love. You're better than that. You're already loved.


When you give too much of yourself away too quickly, when you show too much skin, you're not being true to yourself. When you dress to show us everything, then in some sense we have all shared in it, or at least been exposed to it. There is a mystery to you, infinite depth and endless complexity. 


As the woman says in the Song of Songs, "My own vineyard is mine to give." In the ancient Near East, a vineyard was a euphemism for sexuality. She is saying that she doesn't give herself to just anyone. She is fully in control of herself, and she is not cheap and she is not easy.


Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.


You are worth dying for.


If you're dating someone, what kind of man is he?  Does he demonstrate that he's the kind of man who would die for you?  What is his posture toward the world?  Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served? Does he believe that he's owed something, that he's been shortchanged, that he's gotten the short end of the stick, that life owes him something?  Or is he out to see what he can give?  Does he see himself as being here to make the world a better place?  


These are the big questions that you need to ask yourself.  


Take him to a family reunion.  Do some sort of service project with him.  See how he interacts with people he doesn't like.


Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?  


A friend of mine was engaged to a man, and some of her friends were not excited about them getting married.  As the wedding day approached, one of her friends decided to say something to her.  He said, "When a woman is loved well, she opens up like a flower."


She broke off the engagement soon afterward.  In one brilliant sentence, her friend taught her what agape is and what it isn't.


What does he expect of you?  Does he expect you to sleep with him when he hasn't committed to you forever?  Does he want all of you without his having to give all of him?


Can you tell him anything?  Is he safe?  Can he be trusted?


Can you open up to him, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that he will protect, not exploit, that vulnerability?


Are you opening like a flower?


When you live in your true identity, when you find your worth and value in your creator, when you live "in Christ," in who you really are, you force him to rethink what it means to be a man.  


Perhaps this is why the text talks about the man dying for the woman.  This can be terrifying for a man.  Committing to a woman for life is going to demand courage, fidelity, and strength he may not know he has.  This is why some men take such pride in their sexual conquests.  They're desperately running from their fear that they don't have what it takes to lay down their lives for a woman.  Sleeping with lots of women gives them the feeling of being a man without actually having to be one.


I was in London last year, riding the subway, and it was crammed with people.  There was a group of kids, probably fifteen or sixteen years old, standing in the middle of the train.  They were paired off-I think there were three couples.  Or perhaps they were starting a local chapter of the happy hands club.  They were all over each other.  The couples, that is.


One of the girls in particular was fascinating to watch.  It was clear that she loved being loved.  Or whatever you would call teenage obsession.  Her boyfriend was full-on groping her in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon in public, and it was clear to the rest of us on the subway that she was thoroughly enjoying it.  


What was intriguing was the look on her face.  She was so happy.  And the happiness was obviously directly tied to her boyfriend. 


What drives a girl to give herself to a boy at such a young age?  What does she believe about herself?  About him?  About sex?  About her worth?  


What if she said to her boyfriend, "I'm interested in your character, your integrity, your honor-I want to find out what you're made of.  Are you brave?  Are you courageous?  Would you fight for me?"


What if she said, "I'm not going to sleep with you anymore because I want to know what, exactly, our relationship is based on"?


What if subway girl demanded that before she gave herself to subway boy, he had to prove that he was the kind of man who would lay down his life for her?


Would subway boy still want to be with subway girl?


Because she's worth dying for.

"You girls are worth dying for",
Tommy

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart

Wow, it is hard to believe that thanksgiving is right around the corner-this year has gone by so quick! 

In light of thanksgiving, i figured it would probably be fitting to talk about being thankful. Original right?

Ok, lets start out with all you single ladies out there (all the single ladies....thank you Beyonce!). We are getting into a season that i like to refer to as the "snuggle season". It seems that the closer you get to Christmas time, romance seems to fill the air and there is no escape. It is like you are trapped in a hole of loneliness and despair and you actually start to believe that you will be alone for the rest of your lives!!!! 

Ok maybe that is a bit overboard, if it isn't, take a big breath! Take this time to be thankful to God for what he has been able to do in your life without a man getting in the way. There is probably a pretty good reason why you are still single-God wants you there. So instead of worrying about something and running out to date the first thing you see with legs, think of it this way. God wants to work something in your life that will prepare you for your Prince Charming, but you have to go through this time in order to be ready for him when he comes along. So give thanks, God is working in you and good things are coming!

For those of you that have someone- never take them for granted. That guy is a gift to you, one that is truly priceless. I think God will work on a single lady (if you like it than you should have put a ring on it)  just as much as he will through the guy in your life. So take time to thank God that you have someone there that cares for you and supports you. It really is a blessing that you can't look past. Also, don't be afraid to tell the guy that you are thankful for what he has done in your life! This is a great excuse to encourage one another on the great things they are doing and a great time to recognize just how lucky we really are.

On the topic of the person being a gift remember this as well. Whatever happens in this coming year, start off now by saying you are going to be thankful. I think often times people that are dating get in this mindset that they somehow deserve the other person. I have to remind myself that the time i get to spend with the girl i like is a complete gift and if God came to me tomorrow and said, "Tommy, you cannot pursue her anymore" I would still have to say, "Thank you God for the time i did have with her". I think when we get to this point in our minds, we can truly appreciate the other person.

I think this appreciation will invade our hearts and our relationships with one another. 

I believe it will make them better!

So this fall, as the turkey is being cut and the potatoes are being mashed, don't forget how blessed you are!

So thankful for her (and turkey),

Tommy

We Can Do It...

This is a call to action ladies- a call to be above reproach.

Recently I have noticed that guys are getting away with a whole lot and I am going to blame you for it. Before you get your pantyhose in a knot and plot some devious way to help me lose my "manhood," let me explain myself. The guys are to be blamed too, let's be honest: it is them who are pushing it. But at the same time, if you are not a part of the solution, you are definitely part of the problem.

Also, before you read the rest of this blog, you need to decide what side you are on. Some girls would say that whatever attention they can get, is good attention. If this is the case, you can stop reading now and go on with painting your nails and and planning every detail of your wedding (isn't that what you girls do?). But, if you demand respect and want less problems with guys getting the wrong impression, then please read on.

We live in a flirtatious world. I used to think this was the best thing since MacBook laptops (which are pretty amazing).  My friend and I thought there was nothing wrong with pushing the lines with "harmless flirting" and often times we would, and could, do it in the name of "friendliness." Looking back now, I realize just how naive I was in thinking these things.

Flirting is not bad. What is bad is leading however many guys on as you can hoping that one of them will stick. Quantity does not equal quality here. The fact is, no guy wants a really flirty girl. They may be fun to flirt with but when you get into a more serious relationship than just flirt-pals, the guy wants to know that you like him-he really doesn't wanna know, or even think, that you like other guys. So I will tell you, those that flirt now, will flirt later. This is true for both. So you are going to do so much better if you just lay low on the flirting unless it is with that one guy you are pursuing.

On a side note, this is the whole, "Do unto others as you want them to do unto you." Put yourself in the guy's shoes. Would you like him to be joke-pushing other girls around? If not, why are you joke-pushing other guys around? Just something to think about. You don't have to be seclusive and not nice to everyone, but like I said in my earlier blog, you want him like you see him way more different than any other guy.

Now, maybe you aren't a flirt. In fact, you would consider yourself very good about not leading guys on. Thank you! You are the type of girls that us guys want to pursue because we know you will be 100% faithful if we ever dated you! But you aren't off the hook yet. Maybe you don't flirt, but that doesn't mean that you don't allow boys to flirt with you. Now, I know. Attention is pretty dang nice and pretty hard to say no to, especially when you have had a hard day and you swore the light just twinkled off his teeth. However, there are certain guys that are flirts and that will flirt with you at all cost.

Now, often times there isn't a whole lot you can do with a flirty guy. You don't wanna be that girl that is always, "Don't talk to me, don't touch me, don't look at me..." That being said, if you are allowing a guy to cross a line-and I think we all know what those lines are-you are disrespecting yourself, you are encouraging the guy, and you are disrespecting your future spouse. Sounds bad, right? It also is going to look very untrustworthy to the guy you like. How is he supposed to know if you are going to speak up or not every time a guy puts his arm around you? How can he trust that you won't be flirting when he isn't there? And again, this works the opposite way: you know that if you like a guy that seems to flirt a lot, it is hard to trust that when you are not there, he won't be flirting with whomever.

This can, and probably will get awkward. But you need to be willing to say to a guy, "Listen, that really isn't ok for you to be doing, show me some respect." You need to be willing to get up if a guy puts his arm around you. You need to be the one that doesn't push back when a guy pushes you.

Don't be afraid to ask girls to keep you accountable and together you can join Rosie the Riveter in saying, "We Can Do It!"

I know for myself, this is something I need to work on. Though I don't feel like I am flirtatious, it is only fair that I don't be too friendly, and honestly I need to be willing to take the high road. Though it may seem "no fun" at times, I need to be above reproach so that it doesn't look like I am flirting and also so I don't lead any girls on. This means even if it seems like a girl is flirting, I need to step back and not return the favor. Hopefully, I can honor my future wife along with any girls that flirt with me.

Looking for my own Rosie the Riveter,

Tommy