Light at the End of the Tunnel

Tunnel vision is a very easy disease to catch. Like the flew, it spreads like wildfire especially when everyone around you has a bad case of it. Truthfully, tunnel vision isn’t 100% negative, it can help you get to your goals and keep you on the right track. But that is only when we have tunnel vision directed towards the right things in life.


I had a nasty case of the Tunnelvisions. My eyes caught a girl and wouldn’t let go. Before I knew it, I'd lost sight of my other friends for this one girl. Many people would say, “Okay… what’s wrong with that?” And I definitely see your point. That special person in your life should be…well….special!


That being said, I also think that we need to make sure that we stay connected.


I once knew a gal who dated this guy and blew off her other friends cause she was “in love”. A few months later that love must of faded because they broke up. Now, who do you think was there to catch her? The friends she blew off?
No sir-ree!


Take it from another angle- what is a stronger relationship?


1. Only spending time with that special someone?
2. Both having individual friends and mutual friends that you can lean on?


Of course, it is easier said than done. I know many people believe this, but just have trouble putting it into practice. So this is your call. I have a one step system that will guarentee your success. (or your money back!)


You ready?


You sure?


Okay, this is the money maker: Only spend solo time with him (or her) once a week on a date night, otherwise make sure you are inviting other people into your life and accepting invitations into theirs.


I know. You’re welcome. I mean, I didn’t solve world hunger there, but I got pretty darn close with how much brain power that took! My point being, you are the one in control. You get to decide where you will go, at least in this regard.
So choose who you want to be:

That couple.
Or
a healthy couple.


You made your choice? Great!
Then make it happen, and don’t compromise till it does. Yes it may be awkward at first, and yes it may take some work. But aren’t those the things we appreciate and smile at the most?
You gotta make your choice and stick to it.


Hoping you will still be my friend even when you start dating,
(Seriously get out of your tunnel and let’s hang out)
Tommy

She is Not a Volvo

Well, to restart things, I guess one of the most important steps is explaining my angle. Each of us come to know dating as something different. Whether dating is when he finally pre-marital interdigitates (hold hands), or when he asks your parents if you would accompany him to the symphony this Saturday night after champagne on his yacht. Whatever your view might be, I am pretty sure mine is different. I guess that is the beauty of dating: it is sloppy, and messy, and confusing, and wonderful, all at the same time. Yet, maybe to clarify some of the advice and perspectives, lets start with a car….

First off, I want to say that I am a buyer, not a shopper. My sisters will go out and spend the whole day at the outlet mall only to come home with zip. Zero. Nothing. Seriously, they will spend a whole day just looking. Now, for many of the girls this isn’t too hard to imagine, but for most guys, we don’t get it.

If I am going to the store, I am going to buy. I have a mission and I am not going to look around the clearance section just to see if they can convince me that I need something that I originally didn’t even know existed. It is just not in our blood.

Yet, if we compare dating to buying a car, many guys would take the standpoint of shopping rather than tunnel vision buying. “Shop around a little until you find what you like. Try on this, try on that, and once I find that one that is the perfect fit, or I do something that causes me to have to buy it.” (AKA, I got so attached there is no escape door and I am going to be trapped in this relationship forever and ever). I would argue though, in dating, you want to have the end goal be to buy. It doesn’t mean that it always works out perfectly. But it is pretty selfish and conceited just to get your “fill” by playing someone else.

That’s just my opinion, of course.

That being said, I think dating is like buying a car.

A car is a big purchase. If I go out to get a new car, it is quite the ordeal. We all know that it is serious. People don’t just buy a new car on the whim. It is too expensive to do that.

Way too expensive.

Looking:

So like most people, you drive by car lots everyday. You see a car that you like, you make a note of it, and you log it away in the back of your mind. You also see cars everywhere else you go. And when you drive by one that catches your eye, you begin to narrow down the car you want.

Now, you have kinda decided what you want in a car- your likes, your dislikes, what is important to you, what you could care less about. All of these are important because when you walk on that lot to start looking for a car, these are going to come in handy.

Now I would say walking on the car lot for many of us was middle school. It was the awkward point in your life where you actually cared what awkward Mark thought about you, and awkward Mark didn’t think you were the scum between his toes. This is a big step! Probably if you are like me at all, it was a bit early, but oh well. You entered the car lot. You look around and get to see a few of the cars—kinda check ‘em out.

Then high school comes and you are ready for something a little more serious.

Dating:

You see that car across the lot-she is the one! You are so ecstatic and can’t believe you didn’t see that beauty in the back before. So you go over, and hop in, the guy passes you the keys and you take her out on a test drive. The first block is amazing, you are in heaven! Then you realize the clutch is a bit sticky and the stirring is loose.

Next car….

By this point you are a little fatigued at the disappointment! I thought that car was the one! But no… turned out to have faults you just couldn’t get past. No bigger there are plenty of cars out there, you just have to keep your eyes pealed.

Engaged:

Ok, so you have test driven some cars. Some have failed you, others were too spendy (side note: low maintenance girls are sooo attractive) But you finally found one you like. This time you make it to the highway where the stakes are a little higher, yet the car runs great. You like this one and everything seems to fit. Maybe there is a flaw here or there, but it is as close to perfection as you can get.

So you take that car back and begin discussing how much the car actually costs, how much will they compromise, and you negotiate down the price. By this point, you are going to buy the car, it is just a formality of making all the right preparations before you purchase your dream machine.

Marriage:

Finally, you get all of that negotiating, the tough discussion, and all the hard details and you are ready to sign. You are ready to commit to this car taking you everywhere you need to go. Now it is just placing your signature on the dotted line. The car is yours.

Now of course not all analogies are prefect, but this helps keep me on a good track when I look at my girlfriend and I start to see my friends date. This helps me understand what is going on when things go sour, or when a car is bought and we all go to celebrate.

So go ahead, let’s go car buying!

Glad I’m not dating a PT Cruiser…

Tommy

We Were On A Break!!!!

I realize, I do, that I have been away for quite some time. To be honest, last year just got hectic, and you can understand as much as the next person that sometimes it is better to take a break. Sometimes you just need space. So I wrote this letter to my blog- Kiss and Tell.

To my Love, Kiss and Tell,

You knew that we couldn’t stay apart forever. No, it was just not possible to go our separate ways. In fact, it was fate that brought our two worlds crashing together. You have been way too good to me, and for that, I just can’t walk away. Yes, I thought I would be okay without you. I thought that some space would be good. But now, we have had our space; we have gone our ways: we must come back together. Gravity has tugged and pulled us together again. Oh this tangled love affair. How I hope that you can forgive me! Please forgive me! I promise, I didn’t write on any other blogs, my hands were tied for you! You and only you! So take me back K&T! Take me back!

In Love, sweet Love,

Tommy

Okay, maybe that is a little melodramatic…

But hey, it is great to be back; I hope I wasn’t gone too long!

So ready….

Setty…….

KISS AND TELL!

PS- Feel free to post questions or email: clapperman@gmail.com

Not Even A Hint

After that break (which was much needed), I made the choice to only release one post a week. So every Monday a new one will be out there. Thanks to everyone who reads these! Hope you all still enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them!



For some reason, growing up in my household, I guess I became desensitized to a lot of “bad stuff’ on TV. Thinking it is not a big deal since I am clearly not the one doing the stuff, I really shrugged it off whenever it came on. However, over Christmas break, I began to notice just how much crud is on television and the more I watched, the more I realized there are very few shows or movies that do not include some sort of reference, or straight up views of the naughty naughty. 



But it was deeper than just seeing them. I realized that being around that influence makes you begin to think different. For guys, purity is a huge struggle (so be careful even what you joke about to guys).  I think a huge piece of this is what we allow into our minds. If I am watching some guy just grab a girl and kiss her, cause apparently he felt like it, it is easy to begin to think that is real life. (Don’t worry; I am not going to try it anytime soon).



The truth is, we are all affected by what we see on the television, what music we listen to, and so on. Stuff gets in our head and it is hard to get out. So we need to be very direct in what we allow into our minds.

But for you ladies out there, I have a bigger challenge for you. Now, to preface this, I don’t want you to think I am letting up the slack on guys at all, cause I am not. I would, however, love for your girls to expect more from guys (this is your boyfriend, guy friends, random stranger). Ephesians 5:3 says, “Not even a hint of sexual immorality”. What does that look like?



I would say this is one of those that is going to seem extreme, because our culture is so not this way, but is huge to any relationship that you want to be centered on respect. Many guys have a tendency to “take what they can get” and girls, oftentimes you allow guys to get away with stuff that they shouldn’t be getting away with. 



The guy makes a joke.



He pushes physical boundaries.



He…whatever. Fill in the blank.



The fact is, what would happen if girls demanded guys to respect them? (And this goes both ways). I think we would change. If I knew that I couldn’t be around the girl I liked unless I was bringing my A game purity wise, I would strap up and make sure I was treating her great. But if some girl is like, “Oh, any joke you make is funny. I don’t feel comfortable doing that, but I guess if you want to….” It is going to be mighty hard for the guy to stay pure around and with you. 



Finally, girls, the guy should not be making it a struggle for you. If you are in a relationship or you like a guy, whatever you want to call it, and he isn’t showing you respect, demand it or get out. Pursue a guy to whom purity is important because I can guarantee it is going to affect your relationship, marriage, and how he treats other women. It is an important thing and if girls were to demand it, I believe it would become much more important to the guys too. 



Remember: Not even a hint,
Tommy

Once Upon a Time...

I would like to begin this post with a fairytale, I hope you enjoy!

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived a young woman. Now this woman was beautiful beyond anything else in the land. She had the perfect smokin’ body, she was kind and sweet to everyone (especially when we worked at the soup kitchen eight nights a week), and she got an A+ in all of her classes. She was a dream come true. Now, this young woman met a man who was quite charming. He had chiseled abs on his rippling body, he spent his weekends as a volunteer firefighter saving babies out of burning houses, and he too was acing all his classes. When they met, it was love at first sight; so much so, in fact, that the birds actually began singing the theme song from The Notebook! As they laid eyes on each other, they moved closer and had the most passionate kiss (even more so than the last on in princess bride), and they decided they would get married, have perfect kids and live happily ever after.

This is real life, isn't it? A perfect guy meets a perfect girl, and they have a perfect love. I am here to tell you that this story hardly ever happe....actually scratch that, this story never happens. Before you go and call me the "Scrooge of relationships", let me say where i am coming from. 

I think that it would be marvelous if love happened this way; I have always wanted to be in a Disney movie. Yet, the reality is, that is not reality. People don't just meet and fall in love. It is true that you can be very interested in someone the first time you laid eyes him, but that would be considered infatuation. Love has everything to do with continually giving yourself away to that person, so you can't really do that in a split second. I think we hear quite often how easy it is supposed to be to fall in love, yet these are Disney stories and books that just hinder us from understanding what love actually is.

My dad is a genius. He is very good at speaking into people's lives and speaking wisdom into situations. One day I asked him, "How did you know that mom was ‘the one’?" He said, "You know, I could tell you that your mom was the only person out there that could ever make me happy, but I would be lying to you." 

He continued on, 

"There are six billion people in the world today-there is bound to be someone else that fits everything that your mom has." He told me that it wasn't as much about my mother being a perfect fit for him, but had much more to do with him waking up every morning and deciding to love my mom. 

That is love.

Waking up every morning and deciding to love the other person that day. 

This explains why there is so much divorce, this explains why there is so much separation. It is because people expect that somehow post-marriage is some sort of Disney sequel to SnowWhite and as soon as you kiss her on that altar, life will be sweet. People get lazy, people get tired, then people give up. 

My grandparents have been married for over 50 years! Do you think that there was some struggle? Do you think they went through some trials? Sure they did! What kept them together was that they continued to love one another despite conflict. 

All this being said, A Walk to Remember is a wonderful movie (one of my favorites, shhhh, don't tell) but it is not real. I would be very careful when watching those movies to make sure you realize that is a movie. If you don't, and you begin to get these false ideas of what a relationship looks like, you are going to end up in a good relationship, but be unsatisfied because you expected perfection. That is the struggle and the tension that we see in Disney and beyond.

So may you go out and find a guy that isn't the prince charming, but is your prince charming- and may you learn to love by making a choice, not by how you feel that day.

If only I had a white stallion, 

Tommy

A Short Delay....

Due to finals and the business of the season, there will not be a new blog post till next thursday, 12.17.09. Thanks for understanding, I hope that you enjoy these weeks coming up to Christmas! It's the most wonderful time of the year!


Wishing Christmas would come early this year,
Tommy

Define Dating....

One thing i realized, as of late, is how many people view the term "dating" as something different than the person next to them. In fact, all of us throw this word around, yet there is no standard of what the term actually means. So my hope is to standardize the terms here for this blog, just so when I use "dating", "courting", or any other "relationship word" in later posts, you understand what I mean.

Let's start with the beginning:

Strangers: I don't know you. We have a very little chance of starting a relationship unless this changes.

Acquaintances: Your friend introduced us and now I know your name, and though I may be interested because you are kinda cute, I need a bit more.

Friendship: Wow, we actually know more than the other person's name and we hang out. (This is probably the majority of people you know).

Good Friends: We like to hang out and we actually have deep conversations. I know your character and your beliefs.

Out on a Date: This is dating without the commitment. Saying, "You are neato, I just don't know if I will like you even by next week, but let’s try it out and see."

Dating: We both like each other, we hang out exclusively, and we are "trying each other out" to see if the other person fits. This doesn't have to be too serious-you don't have to get married, yet you are still committed that you are not going to go date anyone else. This is a term used so others know that you two are committed to trying it out.

Courting: You have dated, and it seems to be working. In fact, you are headed towards marriage unless something completely huge comes up (Like the fact that he does not like the new Twilight movie). This truly still leaves room if you find someone that is a better fit, to call it off. Yet, you are saying to this person, "I truly see this working for life, I am not ready to get married, but let’s make this a little more serious."

Fiances: He popped the question, you are ecstatic! He said, "Out of all the people in the world, I choose you to spend the rest of my life with. Do you want to?" Apparently you said "yes", and though you are still not absolutely committed, there would have to be some catastrophic event to not get married. As my friend's mom says, "It's not over till there is a wedding ring on the finger.”

Married: Now you are committed, you have crossed your heart so there is no backing out. You two should be madly in love and one in body and spirit. This is what those relationship statuses from "Going on a date" to "fiances" are headed to. Now you can go forth and have many children. ;)

These are just some terms that many people have many different opinions of what they mean. I hope this will help later posts and bring clarity to what I am saying.

"You keep on using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means..."- Princess Bride,

Tommy